“I can’t help but be jealous of my roommate. She works for a high-tech company, has tons of perks and vacation time, while I struggle with my job at an insurance company. We don’t have any fancy bonuses and I feel like I’m buried in paperwork while she’s on virtual wine tastings. I’m ultimately happy for her, but I just feel extreme rage and jealousy when she talks about her career. How can I settle my jealousy, once and for all?” —Jackie, 28, NJ Laura Hankin: Oh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve been there too—grappling with envy so extreme you worry it will literally turn you green, a signal to the whole world that you’re a horrible, selfish person who doesn’t know how to support her friends. It’s no fun. In case you need to hear it: experiencing jealousy does not actually mean you’re a horrible, selfish person. It just means you’re… a person. Jealousy isn’t something that you settle once and for all, unfortunately. Life is long, and envy ebbs and flows. There are small ways that you can try to deal with it: reminding yourself that you never really know what someone is going through, and your roommate surely has parts of her job that are far less enviable than the parts you see. Keeping a gratitude journal. Chanting “a rising tide lifts all boats” to your reflection in the mirror on repeat until you lose your voice and/or collapse from exhaustion. But I do wonder if the strength of your feeling is about something more than wine tastings and bonuses. Is it possible that you’re not jealous of the perks, but of her satisfaction in her job more generally? Perhaps this “extreme rage and jealousy,” as you describe it, is actually a big, blinking neon sign telling you to consider bigger changes in your life. I know that “you don’t seem happy in your career, so switch!” might not be the advice you’re looking for, and that trying to find a different job is very hard. But by far the most effective weapon in the lifelong battle against jealousy is that small, quiet voice that whispers don’t worry, you are on the right path for you. When I became able to make a living from my writing, my jealousy went from feeling like a big nest of hornets to a tiny little housefly, only buzzing in my ear every once in a while, pretty easy to swat away. Can you take some time to sit down and think about what you really want out of your career? Perhaps it is a lot of vacation days. Or perhaps it’s a sense that you’re pursuing a passion, or making a real difference in someone’s life, or maybe even just doing a job where you don’t have so much freaking paperwork all the time! Once you’ve identified what you’d like to change, then you can start the fun (exhausting) work of trying to make that change happen. And hey, if taking a good long look at your career feels too big (or if I’m reading too much into your letter!), it could be as simple as finding a hobby that lights you up and gives you something to look forward to whenever your roommate is off on her wine tastings. So that when she comes home a bit tipsy, she sees you happily ensconced in your crocheting/online sign language classes/improv comedy troupe/yodeling lessons (I don’t know if that’s a thing), and thinks “Wow, Jackie seems really into this. Wait… am I a bit jealous of her?” I am wishing you all the best! Read these quotes about change for inspiration.
