This survey of 1,000 Americans looked at reasons why people have ended friendships in the 18 months. Findings indicate 16 percent of participants cut out three friends from their lives since the start of the pandemic. And out of the people who ended a friendship, 66 percent are vaccinated and 17 percent don’t intend to get the shot. For the vaccinated participants, 14% say they parted ways with friends who haven’t received the vaccine. “We are living in a tumultuous time where strong divisions are affecting our relationships and friendships are no exception,” Dr. Natalie Bernstein, psychologist and mental health coach, explains. “If there are strong differences in vaccination preferences, you would want to consider a few things before engaging in a conversation.”
How to talk to a friend you’re having differences with
If you have a friend (or friends) with who you have differences over their vaccine stance, here are some expert-backed ideas for how to talk to them.
Approach the conversation in a constructive way
Rather than telling your friend all the reasons they are wrong and engaging in debate, stick to “I” messages. “Explain what you have decided and what you need,” says Dr. Bernstein. “For example, if you aren’t comfortable being around people that aren’t vaccinated, you might say something like, ‘I am not comfortable with in-person events right now unless everyone is vaccinated.’”
Ask questions to overcome barriers
If you decide you want more information about why they are choosing not to get the vaccine, be mindful of the type of questions you ask. “It’s okay to ask them questions and avoid passing judgment. Ask motivational questions to inspire a productive dialogue, find out what gives them pause,” says Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD., Licensed Clinical Psychologist.
Be honest about your own experience
Share your own experience with the vaccine as well as your true feelings and concerns about what their unvaccinated status means for you. “Don’t try to change someone’s mind in one conversation and don’t instigate a problem that damages the relationship,” Dr. Schiff suggests. “There is a tough balance, but if you continue to express genuine care for the other person and share your concern for their health and well-being, you can have a productive conversation."
Avoid blaming or judging
Don’t go into the conversation with the need to be “right.” Understand your friends are entitled to their own beliefs. In other words, “try not to start a conversation with, ‘don’t you believe in science?’ It immediately places your friend in a defensive position and chances are, the conversation will not proceed as you would hope,” says Dr. Bernstein.
Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t
Remember, we cannot control other people’s thoughts, feelings and emotions in relation to any topic. So, share your side and then accept that your friend is free to make their own choices and decisions. “Have a conversation, encourage an open line of communication, but then understand they will do with that what they will,” says Dr. Schiff.
Emphasize that the relationship may look different as you set boundaries and prioritize your health
Ask yourself how their beliefs and actions will impact your friendship. Dr. Schiff recommends asking, “is this a frustrating inconvenience or a hurdle you aren’t willing to overcome? Will this make it harder for you to interact with them and connect with them while staying Covid safe? Are you willing to deal with this long-term?” These things will depend on the nature of your friendship and the nature of their vaccine hesitancy, but be sure to be thoughtful about it.
How to keep the friendship alive despite differences
If you’re hoping to keep your friendship intact despite your differences, here’s what to do:
Express your desire to remain friends
If you can get to a place where you agree to disagree, make sure to let your friend know you want them in your life. “Be OK with the fact that your friendship might look a little different, but different doesn’t have to be a negative thing,” Dr. Bernstein explains. “There are a lot of ways you can stay connected in a way that appeals to both of you.”
Stick to virtual hangouts
Virtual hangouts are something we have all gotten used to. While you may be over Zoom/FaceTime hangouts at this point, it’s a great solution when you’re not comfortable with in-person hangouts. “Join a book club together, listen to the same podcast and discuss it, cook the same meal over Zoom and eat together, take a yoga class online together, join a virtual trivia night and play as a team, take an online art class, have a watch party while you both watch the same TV show or movie together,” Dr. Schiff explains. “We have technology, take advantage of it!"
Make plans outdoors
If you are both comfortable, try outside activities where you’re both wearing masks and social distance. “Meet up in a parking lot and tailgate! Park a couple of spots apart and share some laughs and fun times," Dr. Schiff says. “Or have a picnic in the park together if you are comfortable. And if all else fails, try old-fashioned communication. Write a letter, send a long text, shoot over an email, have a fun phone call! It helps fill the social void while keeping you connected to your friend.”
Keep trying
Recognize that this disagreement is an adjustment, but your friendship is worth the effort. “Remember that it won’t always be this way and feel determined to make the best of a difficult situation,” Dr. Bernstein explains. You can also try introducing new ideas or you can adjust the activities you used to do together. “It’s more helpful to focus on the activity rather than the fact that it ‘isn’t the same.’ If vaccination discussions start to work their way into the conversation, try to redirect the conversation, ‘I know this isn’t ideal and it won’t be forever. I’m just glad we are still able to be together [virtually or outdoors],’” says Dr. Bernstein. You might have to make more of an effort in the beginning, but if your friendship is important to you, with time you’ll adapt to a new normal. Next, read how to reconnect with friends after COVID.
Sources
OnePoll: “Vaccinated Americans Call it Quits with Friends Who Refuse to Receive the COVID-19 Shot”Dr. Natalie Bernstein, psychologist and mental health coachHolly Schiff, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist
