When the holidays come around, grief–whether it’s because of a recent loss, or memories of a past loss–can be a real challenge.  “Grief can be a profound experience at any time, but for many people it is heightened during the holidays,” says Rachel Brandoff,  PhD, ATR-BC, ATCS, LCAT, an expert in grief and bereavement and an assistant professor in the community and trauma counseling program at Thomas Jefferson University. “Seeing people come together with family and friends, as documented on social media, can be a tough reminder for those who are separated from loved ones due to death.”  The good news?  If you’re already dreading the celebrations your family has planned in person or over Zoom, you can shift the narrative and your experience. Read on for 74 easy-to-implement expert tips on how to navigate the season, give yourself the self-care you need, and manage your feelings in ways that feel right to you—and maybe even enjoy the season, if only a little bit.

  1. Smile, even if you don’t feel like it. Research has shown that just the physical act of smiling can actually boost your mood on a physiological level.
  2. Decide what you want. The American Cancer Society suggests planning ahead so you know which holiday traditions still serve you, and how you might want to make new ones.
  3. Serve your loved one’s favorite dessert or side dish as part of your holiday meal.
  4. Communicate.  The Hospice Foundation of America advises talking over how your family members are feeling, which could be different from how you feel.  This way you can compromise on activities everyone is comfortable with.
  5. Don’t hold back those tears.  “Give yourself time and permission to feel sad,” saysKatherine Shear, MD, director, of the Center for Prolonged Grief at the Columbia University School of Social Work. “Grief is naturally painful; it’s OK to let yourself feel that pain.”
  6. Take a walk in the snow as it falls. Let the quiet and peace around you in.
  7. Lower expectations for yourself. It’s important to avoid any unnecessary pressure, according to information from the Center for Prolonged Grief.
  8. Go back to a forgotten childhood ritual, like baking Christmas cookies.  Let the fun of the activity distract you.
  9. Don’t feel bad about having fun. “Taking the opportunity to have a conversation about something different, to watch a television show, to laugh at a joke, or to do something that is not focused on loss does not diminish a person’s grief or the experience of love that they have for someone they’ve lost,” says Brandoff.  10. If choosing gifts feels overwhelming, give a gift card.  11. Just sit. “It’s okay to be sad, confused, upset. There can be great value in allowing yourself to feel difficult feelings. Some people find that sitting with the sadness is a necessary part of their grief process,” says Brandoff.  12. Make a list. “Write down ways you might soothe and take care of yourself. This can be something as simple as watching a movie or taking a bath,” says Shear.
  10. Hold a virtual memorial.  The American Cancer Society suggests doing something to honor the memory of your loved one, even over Zoom.  14. Seek out those in your situation.  “If you don’t know someone else who is actively grieving, it can be a great reason to find a grief support group,” says Brandoff.
  11. Buy food you really love for the week of a holiday and indulge your tastebuds–you deserve it.
  12. Release a balloon into the sky on Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa in celebration of the person you miss.
  13. Get plenty of sleep. Going to bed at 8 PM might be just what you need right now.  18. Distract yourself and don’t feel guilty. “You need a reprieve from the emotions associated with grief,” says Brandoff.  Keep a game on your phone you can jump into whenever you need to, and enjoy playing it.  19. Toast your beloved friend or family member during holiday dinner.
  14. Use symbolism. Harvard Medical School data suggests putting a lighted candle at the table or leaving one chair empty at your holiday meal can be healing.
  15. Devote some time to volunteering during the holiday season.
  16. Spend a whole day during the time between Christmas and New Year’s binge-watching your favorite series as a self-care treat.
  17. Tell your children stories about the history of your family so your loved one takes a beloved place in their family identity.
  18. Delegate. “Consider how others can help, and let others take over things you find stressful or unpleasant,” says Shear.  25. Buy yourself a Christmas gift–something you really want. You can splurge a little.  26. Go around the table at dinner and have the members of your family tell their favorite story about your loved one.  27. Give to a charity in honor of the one you care about.  28. Hang your loved one’s favorite ornament on your own Christmas tree.  29. Wear something of your loved one’s—a sweater, a bracelet. This can be very comforting and is a way to make he or her presence on the holiday, too.  29. Watch a movie you always watched with your loved one.
  19. Know that you can keep your loved alive in your own way. “All relationships evolve,” says Brandoff.  Just because your loved one is not physically with you does not mean your bond needs to end.
  20. If your house is filled with too many bittersweet memories, and spend the holidays relaxing at a hotel.
  21. Write a letter to your loved one wishing him or her happy holidays. Pour your feelings out on paper—it’s OK to talk about your sadness, but also happy things that have happened in your life recently.
  22. Listen to your loved one’s favorite holiday songs.
  23. Take breaks if you get overwhelmed. “It’s a very natural process to seek respite from challenging situations, and this may even be something that helps us cope over the long span of grief,” says Brandoff.  Even stepping outside for some fresh wintery air can help.
  24. Light a candle for your family member.
  25. Love harder.  “When someone we love dies, we do not have to stop loving them, caring for them, thinking about them, or remembering them,” says Brandoff.  Blow a kiss to your loved one when you think of him or her–celebrate your love for them.
  26. Decorate even if you don’t feel like it. You don’t have to go overboard, but a small Christmas tree or menorah can be incredibly comforting to look at.
  27. Don’t send cards if you don’t feel like it, however. Tell your family and friends you need to skip a year–they’ll understand.
  28. Don’t fake joy. Smiling to feel better is one thing–forcing happiness is another. “Don’t ignore your true feelings and put on a facade,” says Brandoff. “There can be great value in allowing yourself to feel the difficult feelings.”
  29. Don’t bury your grief in work–take time to rest and recharge as you need to.
  30. Rely on ritual. “Many people with dealing grief have reported to me that they just didn’t know what to do with themselves,” says Brandoff. “Rituals help to automate this in some way, whether they are associated with religion, spirituality, holiday practice, or family connectedness.” 
  31. Have dinner in a restaurant instead of having a home-cooked meal.
  32. Take a group walk to your loved one’s favorite tree on the day of the holiday.
  33. Don’t drink too much alcohol during the season.
  34. “Make a donation to a favorite charity,” Brandoff suggests. Choose one that was meaningful to your loved one.
  35. “Think about something special you can do by yourself or with others to honor your love for the person who died,” suggests Shear. Visiting and tending to their final place of rest is always a meaningful option.
  36. “Look through old photo albums”, suggests Brandoff. Post a favorite picture in honor of your loved one.
  37. Consider adopting a pet for the holidays from your local shelter, and make your loved one proud. 49.  Speak what you feel.  “At any given time, many people are coping with grief, and for some, sharing the impact of that can be better than weathering it alone.,” says Brandoff.  We do not always have the same grieving needs as those around us, so find other people who can tolerate your own process and help you to hold your grief–this can be meaningful, big support. “ 
  38. Learn a new winter skill, like ice skating.  Focus on it to get your mind off your grief.
  39. Call an old friend you’ve lost touch with, and reminisce about the loved one you have in common.  52. Write down new activities you’d like to try next year.  53. Express your needs. Data from Harvard Medical School stresses that it’s OK to decline any invitation or change your plans at the last minute this year. Tell your family and friends you reserve the right to do this.   54. Cut the evening short.  If you want to leave a holiday party, that is totally fine.  55. Avoid pressure. Anything that feels like stress, put down.  56. Plan less than you think you can handle.  57. Look at holiday lights.  58. Dress up.  Wear your favorite fancy look to open presents on Christmas Eve, just because you want to.  59. Dress down.  Wear your coziest, yummiest PJs all Christmas Day, just because you want to.  60. Make a special healthy breakfast, like fruit-topped pancakes.  61. Have a fireplace?  Light it and relax.  62. Get creative.  Express your feelings by writing a song or painting.  63. Call far-away relatives as a family on the holiday, and remember your loved one together.  64. Get a live Christmas tree if you normally don’t. The pine smell is nostalgic in a comforting way.  65. Take a day trip. A change of pace, even just a drive to the next town from yours, can be very therapeutic.  66. Plan a bigger trip. Planning can be incredibly uplifting.  67. Make a look-forward-to list.  Every week, check off an activity you love.  68. Do something you have always wanted to try–sign up for a cooking class, or learn French.  69. Be grateful for all the memories you made with the person you are missing.  70. Be patient with yourself, urges the American Cancer Society. Grief often feels like a roller coaster–expect your feelings might change a lot, and that’s OK.  71. Help someone else–bring groceries to your elderly neighbor, for example.  72. Read a book that your loved one recommended to you.
  40. Avoid judgment.  If someone tells you to “snap out” of grief and be happy this season, don’t take that seriously.
  41. Know that although this holiday may begin a new normal, it’s always in your power to choose what that new normal is.  Be true to what’s right for you. Next up, Forever in Your Heart–75 Comforting Messages to Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Parent

Sources

Rachel Brandoff,  PhD., ATR-BC, ATCS, LCAT, an expert in grief and bereavement and an assistant professor in the community and trauma counseling program at Thomas Jefferson University.Katherine Shear, MD, director, of the Center for Prolonged Grief at the Columbia University School of Social Work 74 Therapist Approved Tips for Coping With Grief During the Holidays - 8474 Therapist Approved Tips for Coping With Grief During the Holidays - 674 Therapist Approved Tips for Coping With Grief During the Holidays - 8674 Therapist Approved Tips for Coping With Grief During the Holidays - 91