Share these funny holiday quotes with your friends and family to spread Christmas joy, or use them as clever Christmas-themed Instagram captions. You can even use them on coffee mugs or T-shirts and give them as gifts! Either way, these funny Christmas quotes are sure to bring good tidings to you and your kin and help get you into the holiday spirit.
100 Funny Christmas Quotes
- “I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’” — David Letterman
- ”Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip." — Gary Allan
- ”I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” — Maya Angelou
- ”The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." — Johnny Carson
- ”Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” — Samantha Bee
- ”It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”— Milton Berle
- “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family."— Charles M. Schulz
- ”We celebrate the birth of one who told us to give everything to the poor by giving each other motorized tie racks.” — Bill McKibben
- “It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” — Craig Ferguson 10. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman
- ”Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” — Stephen Fry
- “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge
- ”The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin
- “I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
- “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy Borowitz
- “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear
- “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips
- “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple
- “It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” — Bill Murray
- “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson
- “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller
- “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson
- “You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause!” — Chico Marx
- “Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” — Ellen Degeneres
- “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno
- “There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” — Kristen Wiig
- “I grew up on a Christmas Tree Farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them!” — Taylor Swift
- “I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.” — Eloisa James
- “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’” ― Dave Barry 30. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White
- Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it. — Stephen King
- “‘White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.” ― Stewart Stafford
- “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” — Elf
- “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar 35. “Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ” ― Bill Watterson
- “Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.” — Melanie White
- “Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” — Jimmy Fallon
- “I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough. — Bridger Winegar.
- “This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” — Guy Endore Kaiser
- “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard
- “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” — Don Marquis
- “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” — Frank McKinney Hubbard
- “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” — Andy Borowitz
- “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” — Unknown
- “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde
- “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- ”The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” — Elf
- ”Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.” — Unknown
- ”Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” — Melanie White
- ”The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” — Julius Sharpe
- ”A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” — Melanie White 52. ”There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?”— Conan O’Brien
- ”One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales." — Grace Kriley
- ”A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing." — Unknown
- ”From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it." - Katharine Whitehorn
- ”Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy.’" — Robert Paul
- “The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” — Bill Vaughan
- “There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” — Milton Berle
- “It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” — Jimmy Kimmel
- “‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’” — J.K. Rowling
- “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” — Robert Paul
- “There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” — P.J. O’Rourk
- “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.
- “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” — Anthony Jeselnik
- “I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” — Demetri Martin
- “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright
- “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” — Anonymous
- “My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.” — Dave Barry
- “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” — Earthman Adam 70. “Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?” — Jimmy Kimmel
- “People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?” — Unknown
- “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine
- “Christmas is always a problem to the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t." — Evan Esar
- “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” — Robert Godden
- “The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.” — Robert Rivers
- “You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” — Kate Summers
- “I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him. — Theodore W. Higginsworth
- “Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athletes feet. — Kids Sure Are Funny
- “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”Dave Barry
- “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning
- “Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle.” — Unknown
- “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor
- “Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?” — Unknown
- “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin
- “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” — Unknown
- “It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.” — Unknown
- “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.” — Unknown
- “Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.” — Unknown
- “You know what I got for Christmas? Fat.” — Unknown 90. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” — Unknown
- “Dear Santa, I was framed.” — Unknown
- “Single all the way.” — Unknown
- “Sleigh all day, then cabernet.” — Unknown
- “Santa Clause wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?” — Arlo Guthrie
- “Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Jones
- “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” — Carol Nelson
- “I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas
- “I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month.” — Unknown 99. “Let’s get lit.” — Unknown
- “Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde Add some festive fun to your feed, too, with these 50 holiday Instagram caption ideas.
